Talking Again

T and I are talking again after a few weeks of absolute minimal contact.  Saturday morning we tenuously started messaging, I think we both desperately wanted to talk again and have that much needed contact and company, but it took a couple of hours of stilted conversation before we pretty much got back to how we used to be. We both said how much we had missed talking and lots of apologising on both sides. I didn’t want to give him an easy ride as it was both of our faults for the lack of messaging. I said that I was beginning to feel like we were drifting apart so far that it would become irretrievable, he replied that he couldn’t bear that, which was less than I was hoping for but at least it was some kind of acknowledgement that he still wanted me.

So I have no idea what he has been doing for the last couple of weeks and we are trying to catch up.  He told me he is thinking of selling his high performance car as he hardly uses it now and it costs a lot of money to insure and run.  It seem like such a shame to me as he loves his car and it is his guilty pleasure, well he was left a considerable sum of money in a will and was instructed not to spend it on anything sensible.  He isn’t short of money by any means so I’m sure he can afford to keep it if he really wants to.  So this leads me to wonder why he would sell it, I’m probably over thinking things again (as usual).

I told him a couple of weeks ago that I had been given stronger antidepressants and he commented at the time that it was his fault I needed them, and to a certain extent he is right, but other pressures are contributing to the need too.  I had to go back to the doctors today to check how I was getting on, now M thinks I need counselling, and perhaps I do, but my doctor feels that because I am generally a bit happier and love going to work and not in need of time off (it would send me spiraling downwards if I didn’t work) and also I’ve no intention of self harming that taking antidepressants is enough for now.  Again T had a panic and it took some time to reassure him that I am ok!  He worries when I tell him stuff and he worries when I dont….I can’t win either way….but it is nice to be worried about….

 

 

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Damn Weather

So I’m due to ride  my bike from Cambridge to Southend on Saturday in aid of the British Heart Foundation, but the weather is threatening to stop it. It’s 75 miles and in potentially freezing conditions with rain and snow forecast it won’t be much fun. I am very much a tortoise rather than a hare when riding and I was predicting a 7-8 hour ride on a good day, let alone into a 25 mph wind combined with rain. Other more experienced riders are dropping out all over the place so I’m wondering if it really is worth it now….

I just have to keep an eye on the official websites for updates, but if it isn’t on, I’m looking at a weekend on my own, as my daughter is going to her dads tomorrow evening due to the stupidly early start on Saturday of meeting the coach at 5.45am!

Fingers crossed that spring decides to put in an unexpected appearance eh?

Thoughts on Dating Websites…..

There are a huge variety of dating sites out there, they seem to cater for any kind of person you may fancy. There are the main stream ones like Plenty Of Fish, Match.com and e-harmony, then somewhat less mainstream ones, these include ‘sex sites’. It is through one of these (primarily aimed at married people) that I met T.  As I have said in earlier posts though, we were looking for company of the opposite sex but it developed in to something more. I’m not going to talk about him today though.

It seems different people have very differing views on how these sites work. I have a very good single female friend who is just over 40 and she has tried most of the well known dating sites over the last couple of years. She hasn’t had much luck (she is incredibly picky) but that has led her to think that men have it so easy and can have their pick of women. On the other hand I have a male friend who tends to use the sex sites more, and in his experience and the extensive research he has done, the women vastly outweigh the men and so the women get to have their pick of the men.

In my limited experience men do seem to be out for one thing only no matter what site they’re using.  It does send out mixed messages as I’m sure there are men out there looking for a genuine new relationship and not just a one night stand, but they get lumped in with all the guys looking for a one night stand.  And on the other side of the coin there are women out there who are looking for nothing more than sex, and then can’t understand why men won’t give them more.

All of these sites are becoming more and more commonplace and less stigma is attached to using them, but people need to be much more honest about what they’re looking for so real matches and new relationships can be formed.  And me?  If T and I do call it a day what will I do?  I would really like to think that I could meet someone in real life….

T is an Arse

So my best friend A said the other day, and that pretty much sums it up.

He flew home today, to the UK and his family that is, not me. He’s been away for the best part of two weeks because work had got critical or something. So we’ve hardly spoken at all during this time and for some weeks previously too. This evening he decided to ask me how work was going and I know he was trying to start a conversation, but all I could give was simple replies. I feel mean, but I’ve got out of the habit of constantly messaging him and because we’ve spoken so little I just don’t know what to say anymore. It’s not that we don’t have conversation…..we have never run out of things to talk about, but I hope he’s coming to realise that we have other things we need to talk about. Though I get the feeling he is trying to avoid it by burying himself in work.

So I’m getting used to life without him constantly messaging me, and me him.  It’s not easy, I feel like I’m missing something, like my left arm.  He has been an enormous part of my life for the last two years and I don’t want to lose him, but unless he stops being an arse and sorts himself out he will lose me I fear.

It’s Not Too Late

So due to the damned white stuff I’m unable to work today. It’s a pain, because if I don’t work I don’t get paid. On the flip side I have a stinky cold and currently running hot and cold alternately so considering my job  working outside this is probably a good thing.

All I want to do is eat….I eat so much when I’m ill, unfortunately nothing proper, just junk…

Ok that’s enough moaning.

I watched a lovely little film last night called ‘Seeking a Friend For the End of the World’. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1307068/?ref_=sr_1
Steve Carell is very much not one of my favourite actors but in this film he was very touching and Keira Knightly plays the usual ditsy Brit stranded in New York. This isn’t a film review (though I highly recommend it), but more that it made me think about why people wait so long to do things. Why wait till you have weeks to live, for whatever reason, to do something you always wanted to?  Get out there and do it now before it’s too late.  Words for us all to live by, but few of us actually do.

A Thank You

Just a quickie, to say thank you to all my lovely new followers and likers. I am so pleased that there are people out there reading my ramblings…..and liking them too! I will do my best to get around to having a look at your blogs too…..I promise!

Life Doesn’t Always Suck

So, laying awake in bed at 3 this morning I had an epiphany, well not so much of a revelation really, but realised I have been very much ‘woe is me’ recently. I think it’s all relative, but at the end of the day (god how I dislike those clichéd sayings) I do have a job, a roof over my head (which is my own) a loving child and an amazing and supportive network of family and friends (though I am often too proud to ask for help).

There are people who are so much worse off and I know some that are. Yet they seem to just keep on living and surviving. They don’t know if they will have a home from one day to the next, unsure where the next meal is coming from and how to clothe their kids. But they do, and with a lot less complaining than me….

So I think I need to pull myself together, pull my socks up, buck my ideas up (yeah, yeah, more clichés) and start looking at what I have to be grateful for, rather than what I don’t.

Oh and then I had to get up and go for a wee, only to find the cat had already done one, on the bathroom mat…..

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