I Shouldn’t Worry…..

Following on from this mornings very tired blog, I’m now blogging being very tired this evening. I came across this earlier: http://sleepyti.me/ and it recommends certain sleep patterns. Which is all very well, but it suggests I should aim to fall asleep at 10.15 or 11.45pm or 1.15 or 2.45am. 10.15pm is too early and 11.45pm is too late….perhaps I need to wake up at a different time….other than 12.30am, 2.30am. 5.30am etc…

I’m hoping to sleep better tonight, the pills aren’t making me feel so sick anymore, though I’m hoping they will just be a short-term thing. I really don’t like the idea of taking anti-depressants. I was prescribed them a couple of times during my marriage and I’m hoping that the need for them now is just temporary. T and I are kind of talking again, he is working stupidly hard apretty much 24/7 so that does make it hard. He hasn’t found time for our ‘chat’ either. Possibly due to work commitments or maybe just avoiding it, who knows? My money worries are unlikely to go away any time soon. On the quiz show Pointless two guys won the jackpot of £24,750, my daughter asked where they lived so we could mug them……I hate that my worries are rubbing off onto her, it seems so unfair to make an almost teen be worrying about money. But then again it is good that she realises my purse is not bottomless. And as for Aston, well we have worked out that if we make him play about half eight for a while he tends to sleep a little better!!

Life will get better….it has to…..I have to believe that.


Sleep, Sleep, Wherefore art thou Sleep?

Sleep is eluding me at the moment.  For the last couple of weeks I haven’t slept properly at all, although sometimes it can take me a while to get to sleep, I usually sleep a good 7 -8 hours.

I think it comes down to several colliding factors.  My relationship struggles with T, Aston (my new cat) still settling in, money worries (who doesn’t have those) and the new anti-depressants my doctor has prescribed me.

I just want to sleep.

I just want to be able to stay asleep.

My job is a pretty physical one so my body feels tired at the end of the day, but my brain seems incapable of switching off.  I just don’t know what to do next….

Has Spring Sprung?

It’s a beautiful morning out there, and can’t wait to get out on my bike. Its days like this when my job is truly great, getting out in the sunshine and getting kids out on their bikes in the sunshine!

It was a good day, I got good feedback about the job I’m currently running in a school, which is always good to hear, and definitely helps. The kids were receptive and really enjoyed themselves. And last night I heard through the grapevine that all the work I’m doing on various projects has not gone unnoticed. I’m reading between the lines here, but I think that is a good thing.

Work going so well is a definite bonus at the moment as T and I are still struggling to come to terms with the turn our relationship has taken. I think I, no, I know I upset him the other week when I pretty much accused him of having an affair……yes I know….pots, kettles and black…..
I hate the way it has been since then, too little proper conversation and the few words we have exchanged have been stilted to say the least. I know I’m probably repeating myself here, but it’s very hard to convey just how much he means to me and what a huge part of my life he is.

So on monday as he was on his flight and unable to answer I sent ‘If we both want to fix this then I think we need to find time to talk, but I don’t think snatched words between your meetings and whatever I’m doing will help‘. his reply: ‘Agreed‘. What the hell does that mean? Does he want to talk? Does he want to fix us? I had to take it as he did want to talk and fix us. Later on he asked me when i was working this week, which I assume was to find out when would be convenient for us to talk. He knows I have my daughter from Tuesday evenings through to Saturday so he will chat to me then on bbm but nothing too deep until she is in bed.

So this morning I tried following up from yesterday, by saying I missed our chats, all he said was ‘ditto‘. So later I said I was off to work but I was hoping we could chat soon, a kiss was my reply. So by now I’m feeling rather mixed and sent ‘I’m really hoping that it’s just not me that want to fix us‘.  He stated it wasn’t……. Now perhaps I was pushing my luck when I said we can talk any evening he wanted to…..but as usual he said work was stupidly busy at the moment….well duh!!! Think I’ve worked that much out!!!

So here I am hoping against hope he will find some time this evening, I really can’t go on like this much longer, it’s doing my head in.

I know I know, he is married, I am his mistress and I have no right to his time, but if you’ve been following my blog or read old posts you’ll know T is so much more than that to me. I am wondering if I should send him the link to this blog so he can read exactly how I’m feeling…..

Mapping My Rides

Planning 30 mile plus routes around where I live is easier said than done! I need to build up those miles as it’s only 3 weeks till the 75 mile charity ride. I have built up a lovely little group to ride with on the weekends that there are no official training rides being run, and we all come up with routes, some of which are more practical than others, mostly due to one of our number being incredibly unlucky when it comes to punctures. So between us we’ve come up with two remarkably similar routes, but it does take us right out into the countryside but with no support vehicles it’s a long walk home! So I’ve come up with a route that zig zags across town.

I have tried various different ways of planning routes: Cycling Buddy – http://www.cyclingbuddy.com/ Google Maps, and Map My Ride – http://www.mapmyride.com

Google Maps is ok, but hard to assess as a cyclist, Map My Ride was awful, made no sense and kept clicking on to a route that wasn’t the one I wanted, just a more direct one, then one of my cycling buddies pointed me in the direction of Cycling Buddy, much more user friendly! It saves your routes and also shows you other people’s routes and distances they cover along with maps. The only trouble I had was printing the map out so it was readable, and that is more than likely down to my lack of computer skills.

So we are all hoping for slightly warmer weather tomorrow…..

A New Man In My Life

Not of the two legged variety though, he has four legs a tail, claws and purrs!

He came with the name Ceefor, my daughter and I would prefer to call him Aston, but he doesn’t seem to answer to much apart from strokes!  And at this precise moment is quite put out that I’m not paying him any attention. Though he seems to have discovered his food bowl, by the sounds coming from the kitchen. So like all men really….attention seeking and wanting a full stomach….I love it!

We didn’t even mean to get him, we have been thinking about it for a while and I had said only friday that I#d look into what goes in to adopting a rescue cat this week.  Then in my local paper I noticed there was a re-homing day on at a local cattery on Saturday, so off we trotted.  Ceefor/Aston was the first cat they showed us,  a 10-year-old tabby, and he took to my daughter straight away, which is saying something as she is a scary child sometimes.  She  gets a bit over excited around animals….god knows why though.  Any way we looked at a couple of others, one, a gorgeous little black and white one year old who also seemed ok with my daughter, but my heart had already fallen for the old boy.

So after filling out forms and having a home check and the previously mentioned trip to the pet shop we were all ready to go. All a bit of a surprise really. but it was a long weekend without Lizzie and waiting for Aston.  But picking him up today was great, just watching him explore his new home and he seems to have found his spot on the sofa already.

I know he will keep me better company than any other male, and as independent as cats can be he  is an old boy so all he wants is to eat and sleep and be petted lots.

Something for Me

A couple of my friends have noticed I’ve been very down lately and they believe it is due to T, not giving me what I need or want. I think thet’re probably right, but whatever their views on him they all seem to be saying I need to do something for me that is nothing to do with him. So I took my daughter out this morning and we adopted a cat! We have wanted a cat for sometime, but the time has never really seemed to be right.  In the paper yesterday I noticed a homing show was on today and thought we’d go along and get an idea of what was involved….so with my bank balance £55 lighter (thanks to Pets At Home) and soon to be £60 lighter for the adoption fee, we will be collecting Ceefor on Tuesday.

Ceefor….an odd name for a cat, my step brother helpfully said ‘C for Cat’, bless….. The lovely people at the adoption centre were thrilled he’s going to a home as he’s 10, most cats of his age struggle to find a home, but he passed the scary child…I mean my wonderful daughter test, so all should be good.  In fact I can hardly wait.  I sounds kind of selfish, but having a bit of cat company on the nights my daughter is at her dads will be lovely.

Ceefor will not solve all my problems I know, but he will help I am sure.


Bloody Technology

If it wasn’t for smart phones of one sort or another I’m sure I wouldn’t be where I am right now.

I have the fruity one and it’s great, don’t get me wrong, but I can’t help but feel that if it wasn’t so easy and cheap to communicate via these things then I would ne in a different place.

This could be one of several places admittedly. I could still be with my ex-husband, I could have met a new man in real life, or due to the lack of possible electronic communication I may actually be with T.

But it seems T is taking it more and more for granted that he can just pick up his fruity phone and send me a message whenever he feels like it, safe in the knowledge that I will answer pretty rapidly. I’d really love to go back to the days of waiting for a letter in the post. It would be so much more exciting and I’m sure he (and I) would have made much more effort to see each other face to face. (in person I mean, not via Skype!) We’d say so much more.

So we are having an argument this morning, I guess I started it, but he doesn’t help himself by behaving totally out of character which leads me to add 2 and 2 and get 5.  I’m trying to sort it out now, without apologising as I don’t think I have anything to apologise for.  T is a workaholic and I knew this right from the start, so although it keeps us apart I do understand.  The reason for the argument might seem petty to most, but basically it boils down to the fact he has got up a lot later than usual two mornings in a row and went to the Cinema last night with work colleagues (albeit in a different language due to him being abroad), and I got a ‘Good morning babe’ this morning, this probably sounds daft to you, but he hasn’t said ‘good’ with ‘morning’ for a very long time.  So what am I supposed to think?  After all I am his mistress here in the UK, why shouldn’t he have one elsewhere? So I’ve been accused of not trusting him, which I think he has every right to say, but he seems incapable of seeing it from my point of view.

We’ll make up, we always do, neither of us seems capable of not talking to the other (electronically) for longer than a couple of hours.  And we do need each other.

My advice: Don’t fall in love with a married, depressed workaholic.

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