Damn Weather

So I’m due to ride  my bike from Cambridge to Southend on Saturday in aid of the British Heart Foundation, but the weather is threatening to stop it. It’s 75 miles and in potentially freezing conditions with rain and snow forecast it won’t be much fun. I am very much a tortoise rather than a hare when riding and I was predicting a 7-8 hour ride on a good day, let alone into a 25 mph wind combined with rain. Other more experienced riders are dropping out all over the place so I’m wondering if it really is worth it now….

I just have to keep an eye on the official websites for updates, but if it isn’t on, I’m looking at a weekend on my own, as my daughter is going to her dads tomorrow evening due to the stupidly early start on Saturday of meeting the coach at 5.45am!

Fingers crossed that spring decides to put in an unexpected appearance eh?

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Has Spring Sprung?

It’s a beautiful morning out there, and can’t wait to get out on my bike. Its days like this when my job is truly great, getting out in the sunshine and getting kids out on their bikes in the sunshine!

It was a good day, I got good feedback about the job I’m currently running in a school, which is always good to hear, and definitely helps. The kids were receptive and really enjoyed themselves. And last night I heard through the grapevine that all the work I’m doing on various projects has not gone unnoticed. I’m reading between the lines here, but I think that is a good thing.

Work going so well is a definite bonus at the moment as T and I are still struggling to come to terms with the turn our relationship has taken. I think I, no, I know I upset him the other week when I pretty much accused him of having an affair……yes I know….pots, kettles and black…..
I hate the way it has been since then, too little proper conversation and the few words we have exchanged have been stilted to say the least. I know I’m probably repeating myself here, but it’s very hard to convey just how much he means to me and what a huge part of my life he is.

So on monday as he was on his flight and unable to answer I sent ‘If we both want to fix this then I think we need to find time to talk, but I don’t think snatched words between your meetings and whatever I’m doing will help‘. his reply: ‘Agreed‘. What the hell does that mean? Does he want to talk? Does he want to fix us? I had to take it as he did want to talk and fix us. Later on he asked me when i was working this week, which I assume was to find out when would be convenient for us to talk. He knows I have my daughter from Tuesday evenings through to Saturday so he will chat to me then on bbm but nothing too deep until she is in bed.

So this morning I tried following up from yesterday, by saying I missed our chats, all he said was ‘ditto‘. So later I said I was off to work but I was hoping we could chat soon, a kiss was my reply. So by now I’m feeling rather mixed and sent ‘I’m really hoping that it’s just not me that want to fix us‘.  He stated it wasn’t……. Now perhaps I was pushing my luck when I said we can talk any evening he wanted to…..but as usual he said work was stupidly busy at the moment….well duh!!! Think I’ve worked that much out!!!

So here I am hoping against hope he will find some time this evening, I really can’t go on like this much longer, it’s doing my head in.

I know I know, he is married, I am his mistress and I have no right to his time, but if you’ve been following my blog or read old posts you’ll know T is so much more than that to me. I am wondering if I should send him the link to this blog so he can read exactly how I’m feeling…..

Mapping My Rides

Planning 30 mile plus routes around where I live is easier said than done! I need to build up those miles as it’s only 3 weeks till the 75 mile charity ride. I have built up a lovely little group to ride with on the weekends that there are no official training rides being run, and we all come up with routes, some of which are more practical than others, mostly due to one of our number being incredibly unlucky when it comes to punctures. So between us we’ve come up with two remarkably similar routes, but it does take us right out into the countryside but with no support vehicles it’s a long walk home! So I’ve come up with a route that zig zags across town.

I have tried various different ways of planning routes: Cycling Buddy – http://www.cyclingbuddy.com/ Google Maps, and Map My Ride – http://www.mapmyride.com

Google Maps is ok, but hard to assess as a cyclist, Map My Ride was awful, made no sense and kept clicking on to a route that wasn’t the one I wanted, just a more direct one, then one of my cycling buddies pointed me in the direction of Cycling Buddy, much more user friendly! It saves your routes and also shows you other people’s routes and distances they cover along with maps. The only trouble I had was printing the map out so it was readable, and that is more than likely down to my lack of computer skills.

So we are all hoping for slightly warmer weather tomorrow…..

Huff and Puff

IMG01456-20120801-1049I’ll talk about the good bit first. Did a fabulous 25 mile ride today, weather was really great, came into a patch of fog and the temperature must have dropped 10 degrees! But a lovely home stretch along the seafront. It’s really lovely to see so many people out, walking, cycling, scooting, rollerblading etc and enjoying the slightly better weather. My town’s seafront is really rather pleasant, well stretches of it are. So I’m very pleased with myself. The charity ride is only 3 times that distance….

And now for the not so good bit. It’s half term, so my daughter is with her dad till Tuesday evening and T has not been able to find time for me. I know I should be used to this by now, but the prospect of another two and a half days on my own is a little depressing. T’s wife and kids were due to go away for the week from today so he thought he’d get tonight with me. I never took this for granted as our plans often change at the last minute. I didn’t even realise that was his reason for coming tonight. He has stayed the occasional Sunday night before, essentially leaving for work a day early. And since his flights home this week were delayed by two nights I assumed he would rather spend the time with his kids anyway. I did hope he might ask me to fly out with him this week but apparently that isn’t possible, though he hasn’t given a reason…..

Please don’t judge me harshly, I’m very aware that I am a mistress to a married man, but we have been seeing each other for two years now and it has become much more than lovers. His marriage had broken down before he met me but for reasons we haven’t discussed yet he seems incapable of leaving her. This I do need to address at some point soon…..

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Leaving?

Weird weekend turned out to be ok on Sunday…..eventually.

The training ride was a bit of a bust, I got totally left behind and ended up taking a short cut back. I can do the distance but not at the speed that was set. I feel that sometimes the more experienced cyclists forget that we don’t all ride at 20 miles an hour!

So after getting over that, then working my way through the housework T arrived just before 5, with champagne and roses…..not bad, even if they did come from Tesco’s! Essentially we were celebrating our two-year anniversary. We chatted, did some sexy stuff and had dinner then snuggled on the sofa watching telly. All absolutely lovely. And that is what I miss, I never really had it with my ex-husband, but did begin to get used to it with T when we first got together.

Now bed is another matter….no more sexy stuff which I have to say left me feeling a little unsatisfied, especially as he likes to curl round me as we fall asleep, but having this gorgeous naked man wrapped around me is incredibly distracting….I find it hard to sleep that way so only doze and never feel very rested the following morning. And because he had to be up early and in London by 7.30 there was no sexy stuff in the morning either. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t need to have sex constantly, but our time to gether is so rare and I find him so incredibly sexy I do want to make the most of the time.

All in all ,as lovely as it as having him for that brief time, it just isn’t enough…..and last night and today I’m still feeling very flat. I just can’t put my finger on the problem. I did have a nice chat with a work colleague this morning who was great, and as most people have said to me, she thinks i need to ask him what is going to happen. I know I need to, but it is such a hard question to ask, I don’t want to spoil any of our limited time together, but for my own sanity I need to know.

I think the main question is: Will he ever leave his wife and family? If he doesn’t intend to then he needs to tell me so I can then decide if I can continue as we are of if I do need more.

Not so boring after all…..

Well considering this weekend was supposed to be lonely and boring I haven’t stopped…..

After M turning up friday evening for a takeaway and a chat, I ended up staying up to watch a terrible film on tv, it was so bad I can’t even remember the title and that isn’t like me at all.  Saturday I did a decent bit of housework before a lovely shopping trip, again with M.  Bought a bargain dress in Debenhams sale, very pleased with it I am too!

On friday i bought a whole load of oddments of fabric with the view to making a patchwork quilt for my daughter, so looking at the one I made for myself 20 years ago I thought i had the shape correct, but it would appear I got confused with my hexagons and octagons….hexagons do fit into each other, octagons don’t!  So without realising this I sewed a whole load together, then trying to piece them together I realised the stupid mistake I had made, so spent all saturday evening unpicking…..and this afternoon putting it all back together….

And to top it all off on my 10 mile training ride this morning it actually hailstoned!!!  That really was most unpleasant.

 

 

At last….back to work….with a vengeance! I usually work mornings or afternoons and only occasionally both. So after 2 weeks of doing very little I am now completely shattered. I spent the morning helping a colleague tidy and stock take a container full of….well junk, but felt very productive and plays to all my strengths, (OCD, and organising and sorting). Then a quick lunch and back out on my bike work, though that was cut short due to the very cold weather. Picked the child up from school took her to get her hair cut, finally home to have to then organise her for her weekend away with her dad.

My good friend M has just left after a lovely catch up over a takeaway with Top Gun burbling away in the background. Our original plan was to go out, but I pleaded tiredness and the fact it’s bloody freezing out as good reasons to stay in. So even though it will be a long weekend on my own I’ve had good company to start it off. Beddy byes time for me now…..nighty night xx

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