Talking Again

T and I are talking again after a few weeks of absolute minimal contact.  Saturday morning we tenuously started messaging, I think we both desperately wanted to talk again and have that much needed contact and company, but it took a couple of hours of stilted conversation before we pretty much got back to how we used to be. We both said how much we had missed talking and lots of apologising on both sides. I didn’t want to give him an easy ride as it was both of our faults for the lack of messaging. I said that I was beginning to feel like we were drifting apart so far that it would become irretrievable, he replied that he couldn’t bear that, which was less than I was hoping for but at least it was some kind of acknowledgement that he still wanted me.

So I have no idea what he has been doing for the last couple of weeks and we are trying to catch up.  He told me he is thinking of selling his high performance car as he hardly uses it now and it costs a lot of money to insure and run.  It seem like such a shame to me as he loves his car and it is his guilty pleasure, well he was left a considerable sum of money in a will and was instructed not to spend it on anything sensible.  He isn’t short of money by any means so I’m sure he can afford to keep it if he really wants to.  So this leads me to wonder why he would sell it, I’m probably over thinking things again (as usual).

I told him a couple of weeks ago that I had been given stronger antidepressants and he commented at the time that it was his fault I needed them, and to a certain extent he is right, but other pressures are contributing to the need too.  I had to go back to the doctors today to check how I was getting on, now M thinks I need counselling, and perhaps I do, but my doctor feels that because I am generally a bit happier and love going to work and not in need of time off (it would send me spiraling downwards if I didn’t work) and also I’ve no intention of self harming that taking antidepressants is enough for now.  Again T had a panic and it took some time to reassure him that I am ok!  He worries when I tell him stuff and he worries when I dont….I can’t win either way….but it is nice to be worried about….

 

 

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Sleep, Sleep, Wherefore art thou Sleep?

Sleep is eluding me at the moment.  For the last couple of weeks I haven’t slept properly at all, although sometimes it can take me a while to get to sleep, I usually sleep a good 7 -8 hours.

I think it comes down to several colliding factors.  My relationship struggles with T, Aston (my new cat) still settling in, money worries (who doesn’t have those) and the new anti-depressants my doctor has prescribed me.

I just want to sleep.

I just want to be able to stay asleep.

My job is a pretty physical one so my body feels tired at the end of the day, but my brain seems incapable of switching off.  I just don’t know what to do next….

Something for Me

A couple of my friends have noticed I’ve been very down lately and they believe it is due to T, not giving me what I need or want. I think thet’re probably right, but whatever their views on him they all seem to be saying I need to do something for me that is nothing to do with him. So I took my daughter out this morning and we adopted a cat! We have wanted a cat for sometime, but the time has never really seemed to be right.  In the paper yesterday I noticed a homing show was on today and thought we’d go along and get an idea of what was involved….so with my bank balance £55 lighter (thanks to Pets At Home) and soon to be £60 lighter for the adoption fee, we will be collecting Ceefor on Tuesday.

Ceefor….an odd name for a cat, my step brother helpfully said ‘C for Cat’, bless….. The lovely people at the adoption centre were thrilled he’s going to a home as he’s 10, most cats of his age struggle to find a home, but he passed the scary child…I mean my wonderful daughter test, so all should be good.  In fact I can hardly wait.  I sounds kind of selfish, but having a bit of cat company on the nights my daughter is at her dads will be lovely.

Ceefor will not solve all my problems I know, but he will help I am sure.

 

Dear Diary….

This is becoming less of a blog and more of a public diary….but then perhaps that’s what a blog is. Only having spent a bit more time reading other peoples blogs they seem much more focussed on one subject, whereas mine tend to ramble from home to work to kids to romance to sex…. and all things in-between.

This week as I have said hasn’t been the best for seeing T, things seem to be conspiring against us. So I was a bit petty yesterday and just couldn’t be bothered to talk to him, I can only assume I couldn’t go away with him last night as he had to work as soon as he arrived, but it turned out not to be as late as usual. So minimal messaging, which is unlike us, and due to the time difference he went to bed an hour earlier than me, this is highly unusual, as even then he’s normally up working late. So I sent him a message saying I was struggling with the situation and that I need him to give me some answers as to where he saw this going. So I haven’t had any answers….yet…….and messages today have been stilted to say the least. So to break the ice I just told him that I needed things to be right between us again and it kind of worked….I hope…

I am child free this thursday and since his family are away this week I thought I’d try to drop that into the half conversation we are kind of having right now as he normally flies back thursday night….but what have I just been told…yep…he’s now there till friday…

We just never get a break.

Huff and Puff

IMG01456-20120801-1049I’ll talk about the good bit first. Did a fabulous 25 mile ride today, weather was really great, came into a patch of fog and the temperature must have dropped 10 degrees! But a lovely home stretch along the seafront. It’s really lovely to see so many people out, walking, cycling, scooting, rollerblading etc and enjoying the slightly better weather. My town’s seafront is really rather pleasant, well stretches of it are. So I’m very pleased with myself. The charity ride is only 3 times that distance….

And now for the not so good bit. It’s half term, so my daughter is with her dad till Tuesday evening and T has not been able to find time for me. I know I should be used to this by now, but the prospect of another two and a half days on my own is a little depressing. T’s wife and kids were due to go away for the week from today so he thought he’d get tonight with me. I never took this for granted as our plans often change at the last minute. I didn’t even realise that was his reason for coming tonight. He has stayed the occasional Sunday night before, essentially leaving for work a day early. And since his flights home this week were delayed by two nights I assumed he would rather spend the time with his kids anyway. I did hope he might ask me to fly out with him this week but apparently that isn’t possible, though he hasn’t given a reason…..

Please don’t judge me harshly, I’m very aware that I am a mistress to a married man, but we have been seeing each other for two years now and it has become much more than lovers. His marriage had broken down before he met me but for reasons we haven’t discussed yet he seems incapable of leaving her. This I do need to address at some point soon…..

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Leaving?

Weird weekend turned out to be ok on Sunday…..eventually.

The training ride was a bit of a bust, I got totally left behind and ended up taking a short cut back. I can do the distance but not at the speed that was set. I feel that sometimes the more experienced cyclists forget that we don’t all ride at 20 miles an hour!

So after getting over that, then working my way through the housework T arrived just before 5, with champagne and roses…..not bad, even if they did come from Tesco’s! Essentially we were celebrating our two-year anniversary. We chatted, did some sexy stuff and had dinner then snuggled on the sofa watching telly. All absolutely lovely. And that is what I miss, I never really had it with my ex-husband, but did begin to get used to it with T when we first got together.

Now bed is another matter….no more sexy stuff which I have to say left me feeling a little unsatisfied, especially as he likes to curl round me as we fall asleep, but having this gorgeous naked man wrapped around me is incredibly distracting….I find it hard to sleep that way so only doze and never feel very rested the following morning. And because he had to be up early and in London by 7.30 there was no sexy stuff in the morning either. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t need to have sex constantly, but our time to gether is so rare and I find him so incredibly sexy I do want to make the most of the time.

All in all ,as lovely as it as having him for that brief time, it just isn’t enough…..and last night and today I’m still feeling very flat. I just can’t put my finger on the problem. I did have a nice chat with a work colleague this morning who was great, and as most people have said to me, she thinks i need to ask him what is going to happen. I know I need to, but it is such a hard question to ask, I don’t want to spoil any of our limited time together, but for my own sanity I need to know.

I think the main question is: Will he ever leave his wife and family? If he doesn’t intend to then he needs to tell me so I can then decide if I can continue as we are of if I do need more.

Weird Weekend

So T and I got over our hiccup the other day. It’s getting harder and harder each time one of us has a ‘wobble’.  I think we got over it this time as we are actually seeing each other tomorrow, and he is staying the night. I feel that had we not had that occasion coming up then things would have only got more strained.

He had his kid’s birthday party this morning and sent me some lovely pictures of his kids at the play centre they went to. I feel I know them so well as we spend a lot of time talking about our children. I just wonder if I will ever get to meet them. I am fully prepared in my mind to be their stepmother.

Life just seems to be dealing me a low blow at the moment. I am struggling to get my thoughts in any kind of order where T is concerned. He sent me a message a while ago to say that some friends of his wife had turned up unannounced, now to me that doesn’t seem such an unusual thing on a Saturday night, and it must happen from time to time. So for now he is being sociable and not enjoying any of it.

I, on the other hand am being anti social, my daughter has gone to her dads for the rest of the weekend now, the reason being is I am training tomorrow morning for the charity bike ride I am doing in March.  It would be a far to early start for her and my ex otherwise.  So my daughter is at her dads, T is being sociable, my friends seem to be elsewhere so I’m feeling kind of lost.

Oh and the best thing is my BT Vision box is playing up so I’m not getting all the channels I should be despite re-tuning it several times….feel like giving up and just going to bed!!!

 

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