Talking Again

T and I are talking again after a few weeks of absolute minimal contact.  Saturday morning we tenuously started messaging, I think we both desperately wanted to talk again and have that much needed contact and company, but it took a couple of hours of stilted conversation before we pretty much got back to how we used to be. We both said how much we had missed talking and lots of apologising on both sides. I didn’t want to give him an easy ride as it was both of our faults for the lack of messaging. I said that I was beginning to feel like we were drifting apart so far that it would become irretrievable, he replied that he couldn’t bear that, which was less than I was hoping for but at least it was some kind of acknowledgement that he still wanted me.

So I have no idea what he has been doing for the last couple of weeks and we are trying to catch up.  He told me he is thinking of selling his high performance car as he hardly uses it now and it costs a lot of money to insure and run.  It seem like such a shame to me as he loves his car and it is his guilty pleasure, well he was left a considerable sum of money in a will and was instructed not to spend it on anything sensible.  He isn’t short of money by any means so I’m sure he can afford to keep it if he really wants to.  So this leads me to wonder why he would sell it, I’m probably over thinking things again (as usual).

I told him a couple of weeks ago that I had been given stronger antidepressants and he commented at the time that it was his fault I needed them, and to a certain extent he is right, but other pressures are contributing to the need too.  I had to go back to the doctors today to check how I was getting on, now M thinks I need counselling, and perhaps I do, but my doctor feels that because I am generally a bit happier and love going to work and not in need of time off (it would send me spiraling downwards if I didn’t work) and also I’ve no intention of self harming that taking antidepressants is enough for now.  Again T had a panic and it took some time to reassure him that I am ok!  He worries when I tell him stuff and he worries when I dont….I can’t win either way….but it is nice to be worried about….

 

 

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Thoughts on Dating Websites…..

There are a huge variety of dating sites out there, they seem to cater for any kind of person you may fancy. There are the main stream ones like Plenty Of Fish, Match.com and e-harmony, then somewhat less mainstream ones, these include ‘sex sites’. It is through one of these (primarily aimed at married people) that I met T.  As I have said in earlier posts though, we were looking for company of the opposite sex but it developed in to something more. I’m not going to talk about him today though.

It seems different people have very differing views on how these sites work. I have a very good single female friend who is just over 40 and she has tried most of the well known dating sites over the last couple of years. She hasn’t had much luck (she is incredibly picky) but that has led her to think that men have it so easy and can have their pick of women. On the other hand I have a male friend who tends to use the sex sites more, and in his experience and the extensive research he has done, the women vastly outweigh the men and so the women get to have their pick of the men.

In my limited experience men do seem to be out for one thing only no matter what site they’re using.  It does send out mixed messages as I’m sure there are men out there looking for a genuine new relationship and not just a one night stand, but they get lumped in with all the guys looking for a one night stand.  And on the other side of the coin there are women out there who are looking for nothing more than sex, and then can’t understand why men won’t give them more.

All of these sites are becoming more and more commonplace and less stigma is attached to using them, but people need to be much more honest about what they’re looking for so real matches and new relationships can be formed.  And me?  If T and I do call it a day what will I do?  I would really like to think that I could meet someone in real life….

T is an Arse

So my best friend A said the other day, and that pretty much sums it up.

He flew home today, to the UK and his family that is, not me. He’s been away for the best part of two weeks because work had got critical or something. So we’ve hardly spoken at all during this time and for some weeks previously too. This evening he decided to ask me how work was going and I know he was trying to start a conversation, but all I could give was simple replies. I feel mean, but I’ve got out of the habit of constantly messaging him and because we’ve spoken so little I just don’t know what to say anymore. It’s not that we don’t have conversation…..we have never run out of things to talk about, but I hope he’s coming to realise that we have other things we need to talk about. Though I get the feeling he is trying to avoid it by burying himself in work.

So I’m getting used to life without him constantly messaging me, and me him.  It’s not easy, I feel like I’m missing something, like my left arm.  He has been an enormous part of my life for the last two years and I don’t want to lose him, but unless he stops being an arse and sorts himself out he will lose me I fear.

I Shouldn’t Worry…..

Following on from this mornings very tired blog, I’m now blogging being very tired this evening. I came across this earlier: http://sleepyti.me/ and it recommends certain sleep patterns. Which is all very well, but it suggests I should aim to fall asleep at 10.15 or 11.45pm or 1.15 or 2.45am. 10.15pm is too early and 11.45pm is too late….perhaps I need to wake up at a different time….other than 12.30am, 2.30am. 5.30am etc…

I’m hoping to sleep better tonight, the pills aren’t making me feel so sick anymore, though I’m hoping they will just be a short-term thing. I really don’t like the idea of taking anti-depressants. I was prescribed them a couple of times during my marriage and I’m hoping that the need for them now is just temporary. T and I are kind of talking again, he is working stupidly hard apretty much 24/7 so that does make it hard. He hasn’t found time for our ‘chat’ either. Possibly due to work commitments or maybe just avoiding it, who knows? My money worries are unlikely to go away any time soon. On the quiz show Pointless two guys won the jackpot of £24,750, my daughter asked where they lived so we could mug them……I hate that my worries are rubbing off onto her, it seems so unfair to make an almost teen be worrying about money. But then again it is good that she realises my purse is not bottomless. And as for Aston, well we have worked out that if we make him play about half eight for a while he tends to sleep a little better!!

Life will get better….it has to…..I have to believe that.

Sleep, Sleep, Wherefore art thou Sleep?

Sleep is eluding me at the moment.  For the last couple of weeks I haven’t slept properly at all, although sometimes it can take me a while to get to sleep, I usually sleep a good 7 -8 hours.

I think it comes down to several colliding factors.  My relationship struggles with T, Aston (my new cat) still settling in, money worries (who doesn’t have those) and the new anti-depressants my doctor has prescribed me.

I just want to sleep.

I just want to be able to stay asleep.

My job is a pretty physical one so my body feels tired at the end of the day, but my brain seems incapable of switching off.  I just don’t know what to do next….

Has Spring Sprung?

It’s a beautiful morning out there, and can’t wait to get out on my bike. Its days like this when my job is truly great, getting out in the sunshine and getting kids out on their bikes in the sunshine!

It was a good day, I got good feedback about the job I’m currently running in a school, which is always good to hear, and definitely helps. The kids were receptive and really enjoyed themselves. And last night I heard through the grapevine that all the work I’m doing on various projects has not gone unnoticed. I’m reading between the lines here, but I think that is a good thing.

Work going so well is a definite bonus at the moment as T and I are still struggling to come to terms with the turn our relationship has taken. I think I, no, I know I upset him the other week when I pretty much accused him of having an affair……yes I know….pots, kettles and black…..
I hate the way it has been since then, too little proper conversation and the few words we have exchanged have been stilted to say the least. I know I’m probably repeating myself here, but it’s very hard to convey just how much he means to me and what a huge part of my life he is.

So on monday as he was on his flight and unable to answer I sent ‘If we both want to fix this then I think we need to find time to talk, but I don’t think snatched words between your meetings and whatever I’m doing will help‘. his reply: ‘Agreed‘. What the hell does that mean? Does he want to talk? Does he want to fix us? I had to take it as he did want to talk and fix us. Later on he asked me when i was working this week, which I assume was to find out when would be convenient for us to talk. He knows I have my daughter from Tuesday evenings through to Saturday so he will chat to me then on bbm but nothing too deep until she is in bed.

So this morning I tried following up from yesterday, by saying I missed our chats, all he said was ‘ditto‘. So later I said I was off to work but I was hoping we could chat soon, a kiss was my reply. So by now I’m feeling rather mixed and sent ‘I’m really hoping that it’s just not me that want to fix us‘.  He stated it wasn’t……. Now perhaps I was pushing my luck when I said we can talk any evening he wanted to…..but as usual he said work was stupidly busy at the moment….well duh!!! Think I’ve worked that much out!!!

So here I am hoping against hope he will find some time this evening, I really can’t go on like this much longer, it’s doing my head in.

I know I know, he is married, I am his mistress and I have no right to his time, but if you’ve been following my blog or read old posts you’ll know T is so much more than that to me. I am wondering if I should send him the link to this blog so he can read exactly how I’m feeling…..

Something for Me

A couple of my friends have noticed I’ve been very down lately and they believe it is due to T, not giving me what I need or want. I think thet’re probably right, but whatever their views on him they all seem to be saying I need to do something for me that is nothing to do with him. So I took my daughter out this morning and we adopted a cat! We have wanted a cat for sometime, but the time has never really seemed to be right.  In the paper yesterday I noticed a homing show was on today and thought we’d go along and get an idea of what was involved….so with my bank balance £55 lighter (thanks to Pets At Home) and soon to be £60 lighter for the adoption fee, we will be collecting Ceefor on Tuesday.

Ceefor….an odd name for a cat, my step brother helpfully said ‘C for Cat’, bless….. The lovely people at the adoption centre were thrilled he’s going to a home as he’s 10, most cats of his age struggle to find a home, but he passed the scary child…I mean my wonderful daughter test, so all should be good.  In fact I can hardly wait.  I sounds kind of selfish, but having a bit of cat company on the nights my daughter is at her dads will be lovely.

Ceefor will not solve all my problems I know, but he will help I am sure.

 

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