Talking Again

T and I are talking again after a few weeks of absolute minimal contact.  Saturday morning we tenuously started messaging, I think we both desperately wanted to talk again and have that much needed contact and company, but it took a couple of hours of stilted conversation before we pretty much got back to how we used to be. We both said how much we had missed talking and lots of apologising on both sides. I didn’t want to give him an easy ride as it was both of our faults for the lack of messaging. I said that I was beginning to feel like we were drifting apart so far that it would become irretrievable, he replied that he couldn’t bear that, which was less than I was hoping for but at least it was some kind of acknowledgement that he still wanted me.

So I have no idea what he has been doing for the last couple of weeks and we are trying to catch up.  He told me he is thinking of selling his high performance car as he hardly uses it now and it costs a lot of money to insure and run.  It seem like such a shame to me as he loves his car and it is his guilty pleasure, well he was left a considerable sum of money in a will and was instructed not to spend it on anything sensible.  He isn’t short of money by any means so I’m sure he can afford to keep it if he really wants to.  So this leads me to wonder why he would sell it, I’m probably over thinking things again (as usual).

I told him a couple of weeks ago that I had been given stronger antidepressants and he commented at the time that it was his fault I needed them, and to a certain extent he is right, but other pressures are contributing to the need too.  I had to go back to the doctors today to check how I was getting on, now M thinks I need counselling, and perhaps I do, but my doctor feels that because I am generally a bit happier and love going to work and not in need of time off (it would send me spiraling downwards if I didn’t work) and also I’ve no intention of self harming that taking antidepressants is enough for now.  Again T had a panic and it took some time to reassure him that I am ok!  He worries when I tell him stuff and he worries when I dont….I can’t win either way….but it is nice to be worried about….

 

 

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I Shouldn’t Worry…..

Following on from this mornings very tired blog, I’m now blogging being very tired this evening. I came across this earlier: http://sleepyti.me/ and it recommends certain sleep patterns. Which is all very well, but it suggests I should aim to fall asleep at 10.15 or 11.45pm or 1.15 or 2.45am. 10.15pm is too early and 11.45pm is too late….perhaps I need to wake up at a different time….other than 12.30am, 2.30am. 5.30am etc…

I’m hoping to sleep better tonight, the pills aren’t making me feel so sick anymore, though I’m hoping they will just be a short-term thing. I really don’t like the idea of taking anti-depressants. I was prescribed them a couple of times during my marriage and I’m hoping that the need for them now is just temporary. T and I are kind of talking again, he is working stupidly hard apretty much 24/7 so that does make it hard. He hasn’t found time for our ‘chat’ either. Possibly due to work commitments or maybe just avoiding it, who knows? My money worries are unlikely to go away any time soon. On the quiz show Pointless two guys won the jackpot of £24,750, my daughter asked where they lived so we could mug them……I hate that my worries are rubbing off onto her, it seems so unfair to make an almost teen be worrying about money. But then again it is good that she realises my purse is not bottomless. And as for Aston, well we have worked out that if we make him play about half eight for a while he tends to sleep a little better!!

Life will get better….it has to…..I have to believe that.

Sleep, Sleep, Wherefore art thou Sleep?

Sleep is eluding me at the moment.  For the last couple of weeks I haven’t slept properly at all, although sometimes it can take me a while to get to sleep, I usually sleep a good 7 -8 hours.

I think it comes down to several colliding factors.  My relationship struggles with T, Aston (my new cat) still settling in, money worries (who doesn’t have those) and the new anti-depressants my doctor has prescribed me.

I just want to sleep.

I just want to be able to stay asleep.

My job is a pretty physical one so my body feels tired at the end of the day, but my brain seems incapable of switching off.  I just don’t know what to do next….

Worth Waiting For?

I know, I know, it’s been a few days, but I seem to be very busy this week, with work and also desperately trying to get this damned patchwork quilt finished for my daughter.

It’s always the same, I start these projects full of gusto and get the first lot done in record time.  The trouble is my enthusiasm begins to wane very quickly these days.  I think that is why I haven’t started any other of the several sewing projects I have waiting for me.  I want it done, but done in a day or two.  My attention span just can’t seem to last any longer.  I’m not sure if it’s because I know that I can often start a project I have the fabric for already but I can’t finish as I can’t afford all the little bits that make the garment complete.  Or if it is because I am just so caught up in this ‘new’, ‘instant’ world, where everything is right here, right now and completely immediate.

Is anything worth waiting for any more?

Actually there is one thing in my life that is……..but that is another story……

Fingers Crossed

I love snow…..

It makes the world look so pretty and clean, except for my white garden wall which now looks a murky grey colour. I love putting on my snow boots and making giant footsteps in to fresh snow.  I love watching it fall, little sparkles in the street lights.  Sledging, snowmen, snow angels, I don’t even mind clearing my front path.

I hate snow….

I mean all I said above, but it stops me working, my job is predominantly an outside one and I love it to pieces, I get so much satisfaction from doing it and it is, I truly believe a worthwhile one,  but last week I worked the sum total of one and a half hours and this week is being cancelled quicker than the snow is melting.  This leave me in a sticky situation as paying next months bills is going to be bloody tricky with no money coming in.

Well I guess I’ll just have to sit it out and hope that there won’t be any more.  Fingers crossed please?

Family time

Friday was the step mothers birthday, so that meant a family dinner last night, now generally I’m all in favour of a free meal and spending time with my brother and his wife and my dad, but I just can’t help that after having had step-siblings for the best part of 30 years I still can’t get used to them.  They drive me nuts, my step brother is boorish, commands all conversations and just seems to be the only one with the ‘right’ opinion.  My step sister was a nightmare as a child (and that’s a whole other story) but has mellowed with age, but still can be incredibly bitchy and spent a good portion of the evening whispering into her brothers ear about god knows what…..now I have no problem with her having her own opinion but surely she could either include the rest of us or save the whispering for another time….

As the oldest and currently most hard up I seem to get judged on my lack of ‘proper job’, lack of money, being a single mother and lack of partner.  I do feel like somewhat   failure. my step siblings bought the step mother a Kindle Fire HD….a fabulous present that costs the best part of £160, I bought a £12 jigsaw puzzle…..I am hoping that it’s the thought that counts and not the cost, but it just seems very one-sided.

And today it is finally snowing in my town and my daughter has gone to her fathers so no fun in the snow for me, just boredom and loneliness.  Oh well at least the house will be clean and tidy……