T is an Arse

So my best friend A said the other day, and that pretty much sums it up.

He flew home today, to the UK and his family that is, not me. He’s been away for the best part of two weeks because work had got critical or something. So we’ve hardly spoken at all during this time and for some weeks previously too. This evening he decided to ask me how work was going and I know he was trying to start a conversation, but all I could give was simple replies. I feel mean, but I’ve got out of the habit of constantly messaging him and because we’ve spoken so little I just don’t know what to say anymore. It’s not that we don’t have conversation…..we have never run out of things to talk about, but I hope he’s coming to realise that we have other things we need to talk about. Though I get the feeling he is trying to avoid it by burying himself in work.

So I’m getting used to life without him constantly messaging me, and me him.  It’s not easy, I feel like I’m missing something, like my left arm.  He has been an enormous part of my life for the last two years and I don’t want to lose him, but unless he stops being an arse and sorts himself out he will lose me I fear.


It’s Not Too Late

So due to the damned white stuff I’m unable to work today. It’s a pain, because if I don’t work I don’t get paid. On the flip side I have a stinky cold and currently running hot and cold alternately so considering my job  working outside this is probably a good thing.

All I want to do is eat….I eat so much when I’m ill, unfortunately nothing proper, just junk…

Ok that’s enough moaning.

I watched a lovely little film last night called ‘Seeking a Friend For the End of the World’. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1307068/?ref_=sr_1
Steve Carell is very much not one of my favourite actors but in this film he was very touching and Keira Knightly plays the usual ditsy Brit stranded in New York. This isn’t a film review (though I highly recommend it), but more that it made me think about why people wait so long to do things. Why wait till you have weeks to live, for whatever reason, to do something you always wanted to?  Get out there and do it now before it’s too late.  Words for us all to live by, but few of us actually do.

Sleep, Sleep, Wherefore art thou Sleep?

Sleep is eluding me at the moment.  For the last couple of weeks I haven’t slept properly at all, although sometimes it can take me a while to get to sleep, I usually sleep a good 7 -8 hours.

I think it comes down to several colliding factors.  My relationship struggles with T, Aston (my new cat) still settling in, money worries (who doesn’t have those) and the new anti-depressants my doctor has prescribed me.

I just want to sleep.

I just want to be able to stay asleep.

My job is a pretty physical one so my body feels tired at the end of the day, but my brain seems incapable of switching off.  I just don’t know what to do next….

Has Spring Sprung?

It’s a beautiful morning out there, and can’t wait to get out on my bike. Its days like this when my job is truly great, getting out in the sunshine and getting kids out on their bikes in the sunshine!

It was a good day, I got good feedback about the job I’m currently running in a school, which is always good to hear, and definitely helps. The kids were receptive and really enjoyed themselves. And last night I heard through the grapevine that all the work I’m doing on various projects has not gone unnoticed. I’m reading between the lines here, but I think that is a good thing.

Work going so well is a definite bonus at the moment as T and I are still struggling to come to terms with the turn our relationship has taken. I think I, no, I know I upset him the other week when I pretty much accused him of having an affair……yes I know….pots, kettles and black…..
I hate the way it has been since then, too little proper conversation and the few words we have exchanged have been stilted to say the least. I know I’m probably repeating myself here, but it’s very hard to convey just how much he means to me and what a huge part of my life he is.

So on monday as he was on his flight and unable to answer I sent ‘If we both want to fix this then I think we need to find time to talk, but I don’t think snatched words between your meetings and whatever I’m doing will help‘. his reply: ‘Agreed‘. What the hell does that mean? Does he want to talk? Does he want to fix us? I had to take it as he did want to talk and fix us. Later on he asked me when i was working this week, which I assume was to find out when would be convenient for us to talk. He knows I have my daughter from Tuesday evenings through to Saturday so he will chat to me then on bbm but nothing too deep until she is in bed.

So this morning I tried following up from yesterday, by saying I missed our chats, all he said was ‘ditto‘. So later I said I was off to work but I was hoping we could chat soon, a kiss was my reply. So by now I’m feeling rather mixed and sent ‘I’m really hoping that it’s just not me that want to fix us‘.  He stated it wasn’t……. Now perhaps I was pushing my luck when I said we can talk any evening he wanted to…..but as usual he said work was stupidly busy at the moment….well duh!!! Think I’ve worked that much out!!!

So here I am hoping against hope he will find some time this evening, I really can’t go on like this much longer, it’s doing my head in.

I know I know, he is married, I am his mistress and I have no right to his time, but if you’ve been following my blog or read old posts you’ll know T is so much more than that to me. I am wondering if I should send him the link to this blog so he can read exactly how I’m feeling…..

Valentines….What Else??

I got roses…..in a box……..

Better than nothing I know. But they’re red, and again I can imagine you saying ‘So? That’s traditional’. Well we are not traditional, not in the slightest, and T knows I don’t ‘do’ red roses, he has always sent me white, so when I sent a message to say thanks he was really pissed off because his order was wrong. I am pleased he remembered I prefer white, but to be honest I was more pleased he’d actually made the effort!  He does like things to be exactly as expected.  And the reason I don’t ‘do’ red roses is they made up the majority of my bouquet when I got married (which I am now not).

We had a bit of a minor falling out the other day and have since kind of made up.  I am trying to send him more messages as he was feeling that I only ever replied to anything he sent and did not send anything randomly like I used to do.  I think I changed the way I messaged as I felt I was interrupting him working and spent ages waiting for a reply, and I’m somewhat impatient so not very good with that bit.  So apparently he lives for the messages I send so for the last two days he has been inundated with random things, but he doesn’t seem to be fed up yet so I guess I’m on the right track….

Now all I need to do is to get him to give me some answers……

He is stuck abroad at the moment as the airport staff are on strike.  He was due back tonight, then tomorrow and now he has no idea.  He had a huge argument with his wife about not getting back, it’s hardly his fault, but he gets so much crap for working away anyway it just compounded it.  I see it that he works bloody hard to provide a good life for his family.  He is a workaholic, and lives to work, rather than works to live, but I am slowly making him see it needs to be the latter rather than the former.   I hope he can get home this weekend as his kids need to see him.  And me…..maybe…..if I’m lucky…..but I’m not holding my breath.


Worth Waiting For?

I know, I know, it’s been a few days, but I seem to be very busy this week, with work and also desperately trying to get this damned patchwork quilt finished for my daughter.

It’s always the same, I start these projects full of gusto and get the first lot done in record time.  The trouble is my enthusiasm begins to wane very quickly these days.  I think that is why I haven’t started any other of the several sewing projects I have waiting for me.  I want it done, but done in a day or two.  My attention span just can’t seem to last any longer.  I’m not sure if it’s because I know that I can often start a project I have the fabric for already but I can’t finish as I can’t afford all the little bits that make the garment complete.  Or if it is because I am just so caught up in this ‘new’, ‘instant’ world, where everything is right here, right now and completely immediate.

Is anything worth waiting for any more?

Actually there is one thing in my life that is……..but that is another story……

Could this be more interesting?

I really think I need to look into making my blog  little more interesting, perhaps with pictures and web links.  The trouble is, this blog is mostly anonymous and most of the links I would post would not only give away where I live but also what I do.  I’m going to have to think about that a bit more.  In the meantime I will try to add some pictures  when I find relevant ones.  All feedback and comments are most welcome.

To a certain extent I find writing my thoughts a good way of letting out all the things I can’t in other ways.  My daughter has even taken to asking if I’ve written my blog that day. 

It’s been a good week all in all, work was challenging but fun, and that’s the way I like it.  It’s certainly never boring that is for sure.  The patchwork quilt I’m making for my daughter is coming along lovely now and I’m hoping to have it finished this weekend so I will post a picture when it is completed.

I may even have broken through a barrier with my on/off lover…….

Oh but I haven’t told you the funniest thing that happened, so M is my single parent friend and she is on and off POF (Plenty of Fish) the dating site and she because she wants to show me the guys she’s chatting to I set up an account, purely for this purpose.  Now yesterday I was at a bit of a loose end so I thought I’d have a look on it, I hadn’t received any messages which wasn’t a surprise as I have no photo on there, but I had been ‘viewed’ buy four guys……one of whom just happens to be my ex-husband……….

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